Aaaand, we're back.

After taking some grief from everyone -- for good reason -- about not posting a blog entry in about 15,000 million years, I think it's about time for an update.

I didn't want to write for a while because I couldn't really stand to think about the present, or the past, or the future. That sounds incredibly pretentious, but it's kind of true. There has been a lot going on these past few months, and at times it's been heartbreaking or exhilarating or just plain scary or sad. I couldn't put a lot of it into words, though at times I wished I could.

Here are the Cliffs Notes:

1. I almost went back to school to be an RN. After determining that that path was pretty near-impossible while being single and self-supporting in Chicago (see the previous 900 harping blog entries), I contemplated moving back to Dallas. My parents graciously offered to let me stay with them rent-free.

2. I flew to Dallas for two days to audition for the Shakespeare Fest there. It was really good to see some of my Dallas theatre friends again, but I flatlined the audition and never thought they'd cast me. It made me really sad that these people, these awesome theatre professionals, hadn't seen my work in a decade and now their only taste of it had been mediocre. They didn't cast me, and I wasn't surprised based on the audition I gave, but I felt in a sense like I had grown up to disappoint one of the families that truly raised me.

3. After the audition in Dallas and a lot of thought and very little sleep, moving back to Dallas just started to feel wrong. I started to imagine my life in 30 years and the different ways it could go. I wondered what would happen to me if I dropped out of the life I've made for myself to go make another one. My insomnia, pretty chronic for the last ten years or so, became the worst it's been in a while. I would lie there partly awake for most of the night, waking up every ten minutes with my eyes red and irritated and my heart pounding. It got old.

4. I decided to pursue jobs in Chicago again, as well as investigating the bodywork scene in North Texas. To my way of thinking, massage hadn't been the most generous career to me thus far, but if I opened myself up to opportunities in both Chicago and Dallas, my life might choose me, in a sense. I've generally tried not to be passive about my life, but this was a decision I had been marinating in for what seemed like forever without making any headway, and I felt like by continuing to waffle without progress I would eventually either drive myself nuts or have the kind of life that comes from waiting for everything to start instead of actively walking through the world.

5. I discovered that to do what I do in Dallas would be relatively simple; I'd pretty much just have to fill out a form and send a check and a copy of my Illinois license, and my licensure would be honored because requirements in Texas are much less strenuous than they are here. But when I started looking at bodywork jobs online in the Dallas area, they were almost overwhelmingly illicit or underpaid (or both). I got really tired of reading, "Attractive massage therapists wanted" or "Blonde? Redhead? Asian? Willing to work in lingerie?" I know that some good opportunities exist down there, but it turned my stomach and exhausted me to think that I would have to constantly fight not to be perceived as some kind of sex worker if I moved back.

6. I applied and interviewed for a position at Chicago Podiatric Surgeons. They were looking for a massage therapist to take over for another Soma grad, and last week, after two interviews, they offered me a full-time job with benefits. By this time I had thought more extensively and realized that what really attracted me to nursing was the stability, the set hours, the health insurance, and the promise that I could use what I'm good at to really help people in a concrete, recognized way. Suddenly I had a chance to do all of these things within the career I already have and love. It made perfect sense, and once I figured out that I wouldn't have to start my life over again and leave Chicago it was like the knot that had been around my heart and stomach and lungs since January finally loosened. Around this time Chicago started to get snaps of warm, sunny weather, and it was like the city was smiling at me and welcoming me back.

So that's where I am now. The idea of not moving again this year, of not uprooting myself and starting again, of not stepping over the last decade like a crack in the sidewalk, makes me really happy. And I think this new job will be wonderful. So I apologize for not writing sooner, but I'm finally happy and feeling free.